He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
