So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
