The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
