im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
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