The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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