Im at strip club and am horny
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
