Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
