Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
