Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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