She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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