Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
