Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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