Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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