I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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