she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize