My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
