I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
