what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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