Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
