Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
