i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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