I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
