she looked like the bat from fern gully.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
