I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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