I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Can you bring me the toilet please
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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