We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
