Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
