Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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