Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
