the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
