last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
