That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
