this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
they're like a gay fantastic four
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
