How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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