I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Randomize
