Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
