I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
