matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
