Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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