About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
