Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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