My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
