You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
