How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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