Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
