i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
It's rum buckets o'clock
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
