Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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