it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize