apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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