So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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