Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
You work out of a Hotel?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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