Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize