I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
