i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
