if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
