I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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