i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
