The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
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