Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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