what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
