dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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