Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
