i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
if only i could text you this smell
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
