I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
